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Random Blog Journey-2-Peace: Pondering

    Trish Monaco.
    singer. songwriter.
    dog walker.
    human. living.
    loving. laughing.
    in Los Angeles

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Saturday, July 14, 2007

Pondering

I don't mean to be a downer but man, I'm feeling low. Just blah. I didn't realize just how much the sun plays on my moods. The gray days of New England keep me down. As clouds pass and release the sun, there's an immediate euphoric reaction in me. But when those clouds build and cover more of the sky, I fall.

It's also difficult as I struggle in a day-job, working more hours for half the pay I'd become accustomed to. Even when my dog business was at its lowest, I still made more than I'm making now. It sucks the energy right out of me. Very discouraging.

I'm learning a lot about what poverty-level income really is. I wish I could remember this as incentive to get my music recorded and go on the road selling CDs or something. I'm actually considering not going back to school because I don't want to rack up more debt. Even though the education should pay off in the long run.

So I'm back to screenwriting. Because I don't have any formal training (structure, format, etc) I'm looking into workshops and other programs to help me with the fundamentals. If I have to work a day-job, I had better be doing something else to keep me creative.

Songwriting is at a high again. With all these trapped emotions, it only makes sense that they should pour out somewhere. I just feel so stifled from 8 to 4 every day.

PBX helped me get my ass in gear and pushed me out the door to an open mic Thursday night at Tupelo. It was actually great to be out. We saw some talented musicians. Even a little 13-year-old girl who sang some Hilary Duff cover - a capella. So bold. She put everything into perspective.

Each performer got to play/sing two songs. I went on 4th out of about 20. Things are so different today. I get so worked up. So nervous. So sick. During the first song, I opened my eyes to look at the crowd and all I could think was, "What am I doing here?"

Even with all my nerves and stomach upset and my own self-criticism (really, it wasn't my best performance), I was still well-received and encouraged. PBX, who has heard that opening song umpteen times, leaned over and said, "I could listen to you sing that song over and over." (um, you have)

It amazes me that I have this in me -- but I don't know what to do with it or where to go with it. And when it gets to a certain point, I drop it. This is what I'm supposed to be doing.

Could be why the day-gigs never feel so right.

I'm just beginning to tap in to understanding what people call "fear of success." It always sounded strange to me. But when things I create start to being me positive results, it's my M.O. to sabotage it.

...just something to think about.

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Comments on "Pondering"

 

Blogger Becky C. said ... (2:29 AM) : 

Too bad I have vacated New England and am now really just a stone's throw away from LA in the desert of Arizona.

You are in New England at a good time. I do miss the lushness and green of the summer and then, of course, there is the well deserved hype with fall (which just dosen't last long enough). I will always love that rocky corner of the world.

~Becky

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (9:07 PM) : 

Just hang in there Trish. I know that sounds so corny and like such a platitude, but you are MOST talented and will probably find your "peace" in that creativity. Believe me, I know. I am in school now and have tried to do the "9 to 5" thing for years only to be bored to tears. But when I write, or create something my world seems to come alive. Right on PBX for encouraging this young woman to get out there and do her thing, the thing that she was obviously put on this earth to do. You'll find your way Trish, you always do.
Much love to you guys,
RC

 

Blogger tiny dancer said ... (1:26 PM) : 

Wait... WTH, New Hampshire, day job, huh? I've totally missed something here. I'll email and you'll have to be very detailed in your response.
How far is New Hampshire from Ohio?
My 2 cents (always free) - When you look up at the sun and the clouds passing, think ONE BIG SKY, ONE SMALL WORLD. Makes me realize friends aren't so far away afterall and the whole world is with me/part of me today.

 

Blogger gigi said ... (6:43 PM) : 

Oh, no! It's August already ~ where's our friend freeepeace? Or freeep, as I suddenly like to think of her?

Lost in the wilds of NH? Eaten by porcupines? Badgers? Hecklers?

Come back, little freeep! Venice waits for you.

How's that screenplay coming? :)

 

Blogger DEREK said ... (5:54 PM) : 

Love that new picture of you! Sounds like your doing great!

 

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