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Random Blog Journey-2-Peace: Going Deeper

    Trish Monaco.
    singer. songwriter.
    dog walker.
    human. living.
    loving. laughing.
    in Los Angeles


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Thursday, May 25, 2006

Going Deeper

It's been far too long since I've written anything of substance. I have a feeling this post should be for the spiral-bound, but I need to write - so here I am.

There's a message for me. I'm not quite sure what it is but it's ringing loud. Work is killer slow. Let me rephrase that, steady work is killer slow. I'm grateful to have a couple of extra pet-sitting gigs this weekend. And a fellow dog walker threw me a bone earlier in the week. Every little bit helps.

The money worries haven't been this intense in a few years. I know, no one needs to hear about this, but like I said, I need to write. I've posted ads, handed out cards, put the word out to the community and I'm out there every day. It usually pays off...sometime down the road. Mostly all at once. So this is again, a lesson in trust.

Meanwhile, I'm still searching for my passion -- that place in me that says, YES, this is what I want to do! I'm hyper-motivated one day and exhausted the next. I'm surrounded by creativity. It sparks my own. It's a great reminder. Then what? There's a disconnect.

Originally I wanted to walk dogs to get out of working in an office. When that built up, I spent my free time concentrating on making music and playing out. That was going really well when I got burnt out. I didn't know how to take it further.

Today as I contemplate my life, I want a chance to "start over" and bring my creativity to fruition - so that it continues year after year.

Even though I've been freelance for ten years, I still live with a paycheck-to-paycheck mentality. Last year at this time I was making enough money to cover things that needed taken care of (teeth, car, moving). Somehow I let myself fall into this feeling of destitution again. Something I haven't felt in a long time. Something I would love to live without.

I am by no means destitute. It's just a feeling. A description. A mentality. Something that needs to be broken and relearned. I'm not a "starving college student" anymore. Nor am I a "starving artist." There should be better, more positive terms for such times. Like "thriving artist." Something that encourages wealth and abundance. Just because I want to express myself through creation, doesn't mean I should suffer for it.

Okay then, back to what do I want to do? My interests vary and change from season to season. I just want to find something I love to do (there are many things) and take it to the maximum potential - for once.

Where does that drive come from? Who are you? All you self-motivated, driven people. How do you do it without spinning your wheels? Are you happy doing what you do? Are you expressing yourself fully? Does your work afford you the lifestyle you wish to lead? By that I mean, do you have the means to care for yourself and your loved ones - plus have enough left over to maybe go out to dinner and a movie?

These are just questions for the cosmos.

Fear got me here. That same fear is also a motivator. I will learn from this experience - like all others. And in a few months (let's hope sooner) I will read back in this entry and remember where I came from.

Comments on "Going Deeper"


Blogger tiny dancer said ... (10:47 AM) : 

I think everyone deals with the "is this what I will do with the rest of my life" syndrome. I mean, I'm doing what I went to college for. I make a good living. I like it okay. But when I think about repeating this same ol' day over and over again till I exhausts and discourages me. It doesn't thrill me, I don't LOVE it. But I just keep doing it.
I've lost a lot of "things" in the last year and I keep coming back to: I have everything I NEED. I have clothes, I have a full tank of gas, I have food, I have a roof over my head and I provide all of that for my family. I have what I NEED and there is comfort in that. I may not be able to go out for lunch w/ friends or stop and get the latte, or buy pizza for dinner...but those things are luxury and sometimes luxuries have to remain just that.
I question constantly if there is "more" and I'm always answered with: The way the sun shines on the kelly green grass, or the colt trolloping across the meadow, or the smell of lilacs or cherry trees.
It grounds me, keeps me stable, keeps me trusting the plan. Puts the smile on my face and makes me realize...It's enough.
I have my next life to reach farther if I don't make it this time.


Blogger Robbie said ... (6:40 AM) : 

I like what the tiny dancer said. You have all that you need.

As far as work goes, the light shines brightest where the energy is focused the most.

I think our interests can change over time. When I start to feel stagnate I look for ways that I can grow. School, trips, learn something new, creativity, etc.

Heck, sometimes I wish I could step off the merry-go-round and get back to a more bohemian lifestyle where paychecks, car payments, and pretty office clothes didn't matter. I believe some day I will. I'm working now so that I can later. I just have to be patient. Maybe that's all you need to work on is patience - with yourself and your current situation. :-)


Anonymous pote said ... (4:25 PM) : 

Sounds like a post-birthday lament. (Hi. I jumped over here one day from Andrea's unhinged and have popped in occassionally.)

Another year around the sun,
look at me. What have I done?
In the same place I was before,
Oh lord, I'm such a bore.
I'm right back where I started from.

Sound familiar? Join the club. Here's a tip, though: Redefine "being creative." It doesn't always mean working independently. Being creative in a group is a good way to generate paychecks.

P.S.: Like the bolg, loved the haircut, enjoyed the music. Thanks.


Blogger Unhinged said ... (9:17 PM) : 

Pote's the one who sent the bucket of dark chocolate Hershey's kisses, bless his soft, milk chocolately heart.

He also doesn't waste time on compliments.


Blogger aims said ... (12:56 PM) : 

Hey sweetie! First of all, let me apologize for forgetting your birthday. :( I just hate when I do things like that. My memory isn't at it's best these days. I Love you and hope you had a nice one and may this next year bring answers to all of your questions in this post.

Second of all - I have ALL of the same questions as you. I wish I had the answers for you. I am pretty much at the same place as you. I want to make a good living but I want to enjoy (LOVE) doing it at the same time. Is there any such thing?

XO and bunches of love -


Blogger BAF said ... (8:40 PM) : 

Interesting - Reading back over your posts you are obviously very talented especially creatively.
This is unique to only a small portion of the population..lucky you. I was in a similar place last year and hit on a book 'The Power of Focus' absolutey awesome 'work it-out-book. I worked through it and came up with a new very positive direction. It is written by 3 Americans and if you have any trouble finding it I will send you my well worn copy from New Zealand.

Best Regards


Blogger gigi said ... (12:48 PM) : 

I'm glad those questions were directed at the cosmos and not at me ~ I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up! (Um...there's still time, right?)


Anyway I do know that, as tiny dancer said, there is joy in the moment and pleasure in the sun.

I like what robbie said about work; that the light shines brightest where the energy is focused the most. Where are you focusing now?


Anonymous chatelet said ... (4:28 PM) : 

very nice entry Trish. baf's comment about focus is good. may also want to try some books by a life coach. not too many different authors though, b/c then it just becomes reading and not doing, and the different styles become paralyzing.

Having a "Creative" job, doing what you love and getting paid for it... is mostly a pipe dream from what I've seen, and only a small percentage of people actually reach that stage.

If making money, and having a more wealthly lifestyle is important, then 'being creative' is not a very practical job description. Money follows the more traditional forms of work and dedication, unfortunately. Not that you havent been dedicated goodness knows!!

i know this may sound a little jaded and harsh, but parts of it are true. if you want to make good money, go for a job that pays good money to the majority of pp who pursue it. artists - not so much.


Blogger sunflowerkat119 said ... (6:55 AM) : 

You expressed this experience so eloquently. The passion...then the disconnect. It's frustrating and it leaves one feeling less than whole. I'm learning that it involves taking risks and letting go of a perception of perfection. Still, the answers may be elusive. But, the answers will never come if you don't ask the questions. You're on the right path.


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